Side order of Karma

In this entry, The Waiter provides an example of what happens when Rude Customers happen to Good Waiters. 

WAITRONATOR (December 2004)

The waitress messed up. She told the customer the salad special is $10.95. When he gets the bill it says $12.95. He’s screaming for the manager. Tonight that’s me.

“That salad has buffalo mozzarella in it. It came from Italy,” I tell Maria, the waitress. “Fluvio picked it up at Kennedy Airport. Do you know how much that stuff costs us?”

“Oh, please, take care of it! Please!” she pleads.

I go over to the table.

“Hi, sir,” I say apologetically. “I’m sorry for the misunderstanding, but the salad special is $12.95. The prices vary day to day and the waitress just made a mistake,”

Staring at me with his beady little eyes the man yells, “CHANGE THE PRICE TO THE ONE SHE QUOTED!”

Like the cyborg killer in Terminator, a menu of options flickers up in the view screen of my eyes

WAITRON TARGETING SYSTEM – ACTIVATED.

TARGET ACQUIRED

SPECIES: Yuppie Boomeranus Maximus

STRENGTHS: Money, Political Power

WEAKNESSES: Greed, Vanity, Inflated self-importance, Viagra addiction, Fifty year sense of entitlement.

TACTICAL OPTIONS:

a. Say sorry and run away like little girl. CAUTION! Will cause Waitron Unit to self-destruct.

b. Tell target to lower voice. Remind him he’s on private property.

c. Yell back.

d. Sucker punch target in larynx.

e. Use thousand-yard waiter stare.

None of these options are satisfactory. The man’s wife looks at me like I’ve strangled her kittens. Saying nothing I reach out, gently take the checkbook from the man’s hand, and walk over to the register.

I reduce the salad to $10.95, run the credit card, note the name, and return the slip for his signature.

“Have a nice evening sir,” I say politely. They say nothing.

While the couple is getting their coats I remember a previous incident we had with this guy. He bought a steak, ate it, and refused to pay for it – saying it was too expensive. Fluvio lowered the price. This cheapskate uses the threat of making a scene to bully himself into a cheaper meal.

As he walks out he give me a smug “I got one over on you” smile.

Tonight, I decide discretion is the better part of valor. I just wish them a nice evening.

After they leave, I go over to the reservation computer and look up his name. Oh, Beady Eye has a reservation for New Year’s Eve. How nice. He requested a window seat. Too bad.

I juggle the reservations around. I place a large party in Beady’s coveted window perch. The party is coming earlier so there is no way he can snag that piece of property.

Beady is now sitting next to the men’s room this New Year’s Eve. He will flip. His wife will cry. It will be glorious.

SUBJECT TERMINATED……………………………………………………………

SEARCHING FOR NEW TARGET…………………………………………………..