Rules to Dine/Wait by

In which we bid adieu to our hero, The Waiter, and he, in turn, bids us to be better restaurant patrons.

WAITER AXIOMS  May 2005

*Anyone who wants a table a fifteen minutes before closing is a jerk.

*If a customer never says “Please” or “thank you” during the course of the meal, you’re getting 15% or less.

*If a customer pays with the Discover Card – your tip’s probably gonna be bad.

*If the customer says, “You’re the best waiter I’ve ever had” – your tip is sure to be garbage.

*Women with fur coats seldom tip the coat check girl.

*A person dining alone is the most likely to skip out on the bill.

*Customers can’t tell the difference between Absolut and Grey Goose.

*A customer who smells the cork is an amateur.

*Serve Decaf – to everybody.

*A customer who leaves the tip in cash was probably a waiter once.

*The waiter who stays latest makes the most cash.

*Pick new staff carefully. You can train a person to wait tables. You can’t untrain an moron.

*Never lose control of your station.

*Ask for help.

*If the waiters aren’t complaining then something’s wrong.

*Cokehead waiters work their entire shift. The Potheads always want to leave early. The Crackheads bolt as soon as they get their first cash tip.

*Shift drinks are a mistake.

*Never get on the bad side of the kitchen staff.

*Never shortchange the bus people when you tip out.

*A customer that never makes eye contact is a nutjob.

*ID everyone who looks younger than you.

*If a customer asks your name – it’s not because they want to be your friend.

*Bitters and club soda are good for an upset stomach.

*Visine does not give people the runs.

*Wash your hands constantly.

*Hydrate.

*Tea drinkers are a pain in the butt.

*“Prix-Fixe” customers are a pain in the butt.

*Hostesses are a royal pain in the butt. (Not to be confused with “reservation managers”)

*If you don’t have clean pants for work – iron your dirty ones with Febreeze.

*Hide a spare tie/shirt at work.

*Never leave your wine opener lying around.

*Remember – the customer will eventually leave.