WAITER AXIOMS  May 2005

*Anyone who wants a table a fifteen minutes before closing is a jerk.

*If a customer never says “Please” or “thank you” during the course of the meal, you’re getting 15% or less.

*If a customer pays with the Discover Card – your tip’s probably gonna be bad.

*If the customer says, “You’re the best waiter I’ve ever had” – your tip is sure to be garbage.

*Women with fur coats seldom tip the coat check girl.

*A person dining alone is the most likely to skip out on the bill.

*Customers can’t tell the difference between Absolut and Grey Goose.

*A customer who smells the cork is an amateur.

*Serve Decaf – to everybody.

*A customer who leaves the tip in cash was probably a waiter once.

*The waiter who stays latest makes the most cash.

*Pick new staff carefully. You can train a person to wait tables. You can’t untrain an moron.

*Never lose control of your station.

*Ask for help.

*If the waiters aren’t complaining then something’s wrong.

*Cokehead waiters work their entire shift. The Potheads always want to leave early. The Crackheads bolt as soon as they get their first cash tip.

*Shift drinks are a mistake.

*Never get on the bad side of the kitchen staff.

*Never shortchange the bus people when you tip out.

*A customer that never makes eye contact is a nutjob.

*ID everyone who looks younger than you.

*If a customer asks your name – it’s not because they want to be your friend.

*Bitters and club soda are good for an upset stomach.

*Visine does not give people the runs.

*Wash your hands constantly.

*Hydrate.

*Tea drinkers are a pain in the butt.

*“Prix-Fixe” customers are a pain in the butt.

*Hostesses are a royal pain in the butt. (Not to be confused with “reservation managers”)

*If you don’t have clean pants for work – iron your dirty ones with Febreeze.

*Hide a spare tie/shirt at work.

*Never leave your wine opener lying around.

*Remember – the customer will eventually leave.

Earlier in the day Steve paid a visit to 89.3FM KCUR to visit with Gina Kauffman and Walt Bodine. If you missed his entertaining and informative chat with Walt about restaurants, servers, food and other culinary matters, click here.

Steve touched on why and how people enter the food service industry and the benefits and drawbacks of working at such a tough job. Many in the audience were current or former servers and laughed at the stories of difficult diners.

Others asked questions about tipping, the payment of fair wages in the restaurant business, and how it felt for Steve to lose his anonymity as “The Waiter”, now that his book had been published.

In all his time writing the Waiter Rant blog, only one person, a well-known celebrity, has ever identified Steve as the mysterious and snarky blogger. You’ll have to read to the end to be surprised.

Rainy Day Books was on hand to sell copies of the newly minted memoir and Steve graciously signed all copies. Barnes & Noble had sold out as of 8/5/08 but assured customers more were on the way. Rainy Day has a small supply left and all are signed by the author.

SOURCE MUNICIPAL REDUX  February 2008

“Hello and welcome,” I say to my new two top. “Would either of you care for a cocktail?”

“I think we’ll just start off with some water,” the husband, a bald man in an open collared silk shirt, replies. “Maybe we’ll have wine with dinner.”

“Very good sir,” I reply. “Might I interest you in a bottle of Pellegrino or Panna this evening?”

“You don’t have Perrier do you?”

“I’m afraid not,” I say. “But we do have good old Source Municipal.”

“What’s Source Municipal?” the man’s wife asks.

“The waiter’s being funny, Alice,” the man replies. “He’s talking about tap water.”

“Oh that’s cute!’ the wife says. “Source Municipal! You make it sound like it comes from France.”

“Thanks madam.”

“Some tap water will be fine waiter,” the man says.

“Very good, sir.”

I get a busboy to deliver the water, tell the couple the specials, serve them, and hustle them out the door in under sixty minutes. I shouldn’t have been so eager to turn and burn, however. The couple that slides into the newly vacated seats are regulars – regular jerks that is. The moment their butts hit the seats their heads start swiveling Exorcist like on their necks – looking for me.

“Waiter!” the husband, a silver haired, imperious looking fellow barks. “Where’s our bread? Where’s our dipping oil?”

“Good evening sir,” I reply. “Nice to see you.”

“Never mind that,” the man’s wife, an over the hill harridan snaps. “We want our bread right away,”

“Yes madam.”

“And make sure the bread’s fresh,” she says. “It was stale last time.”

“Yes madam.”

“Tell us the specials,” the silver haired man orders.

As I rattle of the specials I look at the couple in front of me. I’ve waited on them several times. They’re older rich people laboring under the delusion that their wealth somehow makes them important. The man always looks smug while his wife’s face is a perpetually botoxified grimace. They’re miserable, vexing people. Every waiter in the restaurant hates them.

“Okay,” the man says after I finish my recitation. “Now get our bread.”

“Yes, sir.”

I walk away from the table. Before I can tell a busboy to bring bread to Silver Hair and his wife, one of my other customers signals me over. A soda needs refilling. I grab the empty glass, refill it with Diet Coke, and return it to the thirsty customer. To my surprise, I notice Silver Hair is now by the front desk talking to the owner. Neither man looks happy.

“What was that about?” I ask the owner when Silver Hair sits down.

“He’s upset you didn’t bring him bread and oil right away.”

“He got here two minutes ago.” I exclaim. “I have other customers!”

“It’s nothing you’re doing wrong,” the owner says. “That guy’s always been difficult.”

“Probably been that way all his life.”

“Probably. “

“Must be tough going through life that – feeling so self important.”

“Don’t worry,” the owner says, chuckling. “He didn’t get away with anything. His wife is pure penance.”

“I believe it.”

“Just get his bread before he comes over and bugs me again.”

“You got it.”

I skip going through the bus boy and bring my cranky table their bread and accouterments. Thinking he got me in trouble, Silver Hair has a smug grin on his face. I want to plunge my table crumber into his right eye. Nah, that would really get me in trouble.

“Your bread, sir.”

“You forgot something,” Silver Hair says.

“Sir?”

“The water! Where’s our water?”

“What kind of water would you like?” I reply. “Pellegrino, Panna…?”

“Just tap water,” the wife barks. “With lemon.”

“Two glasses of Source Municipal,” I acknowledge. “Right away.”

“Source Municipal?” the wife asks. “What’s that?”

“It’s tap water madam,” I say. “And, as a bonus, it already has a dose of Prozac in it.”

The couple stares at me open mouthed.

“Just what are you saying?” Silver Hair asks, aghast.

“Didn’t you hear about all the drugs they found in the water supply, sir?” I ask. “It was in all the papers.”

“There’s Prozac in the water?” the wife asks.

“Plus Tylenol, estrogen, and anti anxiety compounds,” I reply. “It seems our reservoirs are veritable pharmacies.” (Of course you’d have to drink eight million glasses of water to come close to getting a dose of anything – but these idiots don’t need to know that.)

“I thought you were being funny there,” Silver Hair says.

“I wouldn’t dream of it, sir.”

“And we’ll have a bottle of Panna instead of tap,” Silver Hair says.

“Very good, sir. Right away, sir.”

As I depart the table to get the expensive H20 I smile to myself. For all their money and delusions my arrogant couple are easily offended and manipulated sheep. Bahhhhhh.

Me? I’m still drinking tap water. I need the Prozac.

HOW TO ORDER WINE WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE AN IDIOT  December 2005

I’m not a wine guy. I like whisky and beer. But I appreciate the artistry that goes into making wine and I respect people who have a good grasp of Oenology. However, since most people are dopes when it comes to ordering wine, I’ve assembled a list of tips to help you not look like a putz. It’s not an exhaustive list. (It’s not a knowledgeable list for that matter either. I’m sure the wine snobs are going to rip it apart.) It’s just a list of observations I’ve made over the years.

HOW TO ORDER WINE WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE AN IDIOT

1. Look at the wine list before asking, “What kind of wines do you serve by the glass?” The list at my bistro’s extensive. If I’ve got to rattle off all the wines, you’re wasting my time. Forgot your reading glasses? I’ll lend you mine.

2. Don’t ask, “What’s cheap?”

3. We love selling glasses of wine! The restaurant makes more money per bottle that way! Pssst! It’s usually cheaper to buy the bottle.

4. No, you can’t taste every wine on the list before deciding on something.

5. Read the wine list. Note the prices!

6. Remember the mark up – Most establishments mark up the price of a bottle from 1 ½ to 5 times the wholesale price. (At my restaurant the markup’s pretty low.) Since you’re paying so much, I recommend getting something you can’t get at the gas station or Costco. But that’s just me.

7. If you can’t pronounce the name of the wine, don’t. Just tell me the number. It’s like ordering in a Chinese restaurant. And don’t get all self conscious that “Brunello Montalcino di Biondi Santi” rolls off my tongue with the greatest of ease. I’ve had plenty of practice. You haven’t.

8. When the waiter presents the bottle LOOK AT THE LABEL! Sometimes waiters make mistakes. My bistro has several wines of differing vintages from the same maker. Sometimes a ’97 is a mucj more expensive than an ‘01! You drink it you buy it. Caveat emptor, pal.

9. DO NOT SMELL THE CORK! – When I see someone do this I know I’m dealing with a complete amateur. Guess what you’re gonna smell? Cork! You want to feel the cork to make sure it’s intact. Is the bottom of the cork moistened with wine? Good. That means it was stored properly. Make sure the name on the cork matches the name on the bottle. Sometimes unscrupulous restaurateurs put cheap wine in old wine bottles and re-cork them! Is there mold on the cork? That’s a bad sign. But smelling the cork, in the vast majority of cases, tells you nothing. (Full disclosure – I used to smell the cork before I was a waiter.)

10. DON’T SMELL THE PLASTIC CORK EITHER! – I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen people do this. Lots of wine makers are moving away from natural cork to synthetics. Sniffing a plastic cork tells the world you’re a moron. Don’t smell the bottle cap either. (I never smelled the plastic cork before I was a waiter, so there!)

11. Swirl the wine – Now I pour some wine into a glass for you to taste. Most customers swirl the wine around in the glass to oxygenate or “open it up.” That’s fine. But SWIRL the wine! Don’t spin it like you’re trying to separate U-235 in a centrifuge machine! You’ve all seen these “connoisseurs.” They put the base of the glass on the table top and get a really good rotation going. Then they stop, smell, spin it again, stop, smell, spin, stop, smell, spin etc. After a few minutes they finally taste it and I have several new grey hairs. Maybe I can see that for 1975 Bordeaux. But for a $25 bottle you can pick up in the grocery store for $6? Please. You’re showing off.

12. Taste the wine – Now you take a sip. If the wine tastes like vinegar or smells like moldy cheese it’s bad.

13. Sending the wine back – If the wine’s bad send it back! It’s no skin off our nose. Usually we get a credit from the distributor. In most cases, however, people refuse a perfectly good bottle of wine just because they don’t like it. Whose problem is that? Mine? I don’t think so.

14. After you’ve tasted the wine and decided its acceptable say, “That’s fine,” or “Thank you.” That means you’ve accepted the bottle and will pay for it. Don’t wave, grunt, or nod. Tell me verbally you’re accepting the wine. This is a business transaction. Show some manners.

15. The Big Glasses – At my bistro we have very serviceable red and white wine glasses. However, some yuppies have a wine glass fetish and insist on sipping $6 Chianti out of a $50 Riedel balloon glass. Stop whining. The big glasses are for people who order older expensive wines that need to breathe. People who drink cheap wine out of the “big glasses” usually want the neighboring tables to think they’re drinking something pricey when they aren’t. Hey, Greeks and Italian’s drink wine out of water glasses. Get over it.

16. Finishing the bottle – Most people finish a bottle of wine because they enjoy it. But some people finish it because they think they can’t take it home. In the State of New York you take an open bottle home as long as the restaurant places it in a special sealed bag with a receipt. That way, if the cops pull you over, they know you’ve been drinking but not in the car! Good luck!

17. Know your limits – Wine is still booze! It can mess you up just like tequila and usually faster. Pace yourself.

18. Cheap wine doesn’t mean its bad and expensive wine doesn’t mean it’s good. But expensive wine is usually expensive because it’s good and in demand. Simple economics folks.

19. If there’s cork in the wine that doesn’t mean the wine’s bad.

20. If there’s sediment at the bottom of the glass that doesn’t mean the wine’s bad.

21. Control your intake – My advice is to pour your own wine. That way you can control your intake and spending. Some waiters try and pour out the bottle before you’re done buttering your dinner rolls. They’re trying to make you buy another bottle! I hate that nonsense and don’t do it to my customers. When I go out, unless I know the waiter’s not a con artist, I pour my own wine.

22. Often the customer knows more about wine than the waiter does. (But sommeliers usually know more about wine than anybody.) Don’t try and embarrass the waiter by asking him whether the soil in a particular vineyard’s chalky or clay. We don’t know. But if you’re showing off in order to make me look bad – I have ways of exacting vengeance.

23. Tipping on wine. That’s always a tricky question. Here’s an example. I had a guy order a $500 bottle of Barolo and $100 in food. He left me $50 bucks. That’s fair. But I once had a guy order the same thing and leave me $200. Guess who I like better?

24. If you bring your own wine into a restaurant that has a liquor license you’re gonna pay a corking charge. Deal with it. We already let people carry in Starbucks coffee and breast feed their babies at the table. Next thing you know they’ll want to bring their own food.

25. Merlot is a perfectly good wine. Don’t believe all that “Sideways” nonsense. God I hate that movie!

26. You’re not receiving communion. It’s only wine. . Don’t worship it. Enjoy it.

Now I’m gonna get myself a beer.

Fat City, the food blog of the Pitch, broke the news locally and also had a tidbit about New York magazine revealing the name of the unidentified “Bistro” where Steve wageslaved.

After reading Waiter Rant (both the book and blog) and the interviews, I’m wondering why there’s so much shock and awe on the part of writers, readers and diners. Nothing Steve said or wrote surprised me. Until I realized that these stories were only shocking to folks who have never worked in a restaurant in any capacity. If you have ever been a cook, bartender, server, hostess, reservation scheduler, wine steward or maitre d’, then these workplace highs and woes are righteous validation of your existence in your chosen profession, temporary or not.

The readers expressing astonishment at what goes on behind closed kitchen doors, in the walk-in, or under the bus carts, are likely those who’ve never served up a supper to a paying customer. Steve’s experiences are universal and I hope they provide an eye-opener (and wallet-opener) to some restaurant patrons.

And while he is sure to eat lunch in his town again, Steve probably won’t be serving it.

The Fat City blog will whet your appetite for tonight’s program at the Waldo Branch of the Kansas City Public Library. Tom Taylor will start the program at 6:30pm with an historical examination of the iconic waitreses and their patron. Bonnie Hansen of Vintage Nouveau: Fashions from the Past will then model and discuss the historical significance of the clothing and accessories worn by the Harvey Girls.

Come hear how the West was really tamed, by food and women.

We promise a lot, don’t we?

Next Tuesday,  August 5, The Waiter of Waiter Rant blog fame and “the voice for many of the two million waiters in the United States,” will be visiting the Plaza Library of Kansas City Public Library to discuss his debut book, Waiter Rant, and expose many other kitchen confidences. This event is free and open to the public.

For a preview interview, visit the Fat City blog interview with The Waiter. We promise to use his real name next Tuesday. Listen to the Walt Bodine Show on KCUR 89.3FM at 10 am on August 5 for a radio interview also. In the meantime, feast your eyes on the cover!

One secret shared is the original title, “Life Under the Table,” which refers to narrator Wes growing between the two kitchens of his parents. Tom also told the attendees that he “cooked this book before he wrote it.” Every recipe had been taste tested by Tom, an avid cook, before entering the novel. Except for one. The Sweet Habanero Pumpkin Salsa on page 193. It’s a very hot dish, full of pepper heat. Tom said he finally got to try it when he visited an Emporia, KS book group. One of the readers had prepared this salsa and when asked said, “I didn’t think it was hot at all.”

Tom likened the characters in his book to food and the qualities of food: Robert is hot spices, Maria is comforting flavors, Wes is the tomato used in both Old and New world cooking, Juan is the corn.

Finally, Nancy had the courage to ask the one question held over from the previous week’s discussion, had Tom actually cooked and eaten dog and/or guinea pig? Tom laughed, and said, “No.”

Readers looking for their next scrumptious piece of fiction will be rewarded with The Secrets of the Tsil Cafe. And try to make the Gooseberry and Black Bean Enchiladas on page 194.

Sanders is known for his portraits of pre-war Germans from all walks of life. He was interested in the various occupations that made his homeland of Westerwald function on a day-to-day basis. He photographed butchers, union organizers, dock workers, chimney sweeps, doctors, and many peasants from the rural areas.

In this photo, servers will see themselves, even though this anonymous woman is long removed from this world. The instinctive smile once the attention of a possible customer is recognized. The black sweater that matches the waitress’ garb, but keeps the chill away. The dark, loose-fitting dress that enables ease of movement and hides food stains. The tool of the trade that the public identifies with the server, a tray holding a cup.

Is she getting ready for her shift or just coming off of it? One can’t imagine that she would cheerfully don her work clothes while off duty, no matter how friendly the request of the photographer, Are those heels comfortable? She seems to be holding that tray effortlessly, signaling strength in her wrist. She’s young. She likely hasn’t had time to develop the hand and wrist muscle strain that plagues older waiters and waitresses. She looks tired. But she looks like she still likes her  job.